Everyone’s a fan of fish fingers. I say everyone, because if you’re not a fan of fish fingers, you’re not human and, when i refer to everyone, I of course mean people not fish finger hating mutants. As something so universally accepted by every individual on the planet, it’s surprising that there’s such a limited number of meals dedicated to them.
In fact, I’d go as far as to say there’s about two options freely expressed among the public. One their own, or the mighty sandwich. Why are we so frugal in expression when it comes to these rectangular behemoths of wonder?
Well, no more. Cast off the shackles of oppression, tear open the nearest box of fish fingers, which I assume is ready to hand, and engage in some gourmet artistry.
Before you start, you’ll need the following:
- Many fish fingers
- Other food stuffs
- An oven
- Too much time on your hands
- Little or no morals
Fish Finger Enchilada
Fish fingers, in my opinion, have never been Mexican enough. Never.
Spice up your fish fingers first preparing several to many fish fingers using a heat source. Now lay them within a tortilla and cover in anything that may resemble a sauce, a lot of cheese and potentially some salad is it’s Tuesday. Season well with Danny Trejo.
Wrap them up, like you’re rolling a body into a vintage carpet. Now cover the top with more sauce-like substance and additional cheese. Heat for a period of time and eat.
Fish Finger Lasagne
You may have often thought, as I have, how much the everyday fish finger resembles a lasagne sheet. For one, they’re rectangular. And secondly, shut up.
Take your sauce like substance and crumble in many fish fingers. Alternatively, you can use mince, if you think that;s a good idea – no one else does though. Spread a layer of what you’ve just made on the bottom of a dish that is shaped a lot like a fish finger and cover with cheese and any alcohol you have sitting around.
Now form a layer of fish fingers over the top of this. Once complete, repeat several times until there’s no more room. Congratulations, you’re a hero. Put it in the oven, wait until it looks safe and then eat it, or instagram it and spend so long choosing the filter and selecting the right hashtags that it goes cold and is no longer edible. Your choice.
Fish Finger Pie
This really shouldn’t need any explanation. We all know what a pie is. It’s a lot like every other pie, except with fish fingers.
However, if it needs spelling out, here’s what you do. Get a pen. Somehow acquire some pastry. You should be able to locate a local dealer. If not, you’ll have to skip to the next recipe, because no one genuinely has time to make their own pastry.
Once you’ve got your hands on some, roll it out until it’s about a metre in diameter. Pause briefly to question what went so wrong in life to bring you to this moment. Next, sift 5-8 fish fingers into a large bowl and beat with a fork. Put it all into the center of the pastry, including the bowl and fork, and wrap up like a parcel.
Drop it out the window and wait for 10-15 minutes until someone complains or you lose interest. Your pie is now complete.
Fish Finger Bacon Sandwich
I know what you’re thinking. That this is some lazy, minor adjustment to the well known and highly regarded fish finger sandwich. I can feel the sideways glances of derision, knowing I’ve simply taken a standard sandwich and added bacon to it, like Burger King.
Well you’re wrong.
There is no bread, my friend. This isn’t some pedestrian sandwich from Greggs. This is life or death. Take numerous fish fingers and lattice them together with streaky bacon. Do this until you form a large square shape about 17cmx17cm.
Make two of these and have a break. Play a bit of angry birds, reconsider your life choices and return. Now cook 90% of the bacon you find in Tesco. Those with good maths qualifications will have gathered that you will now need to place this cooked bacon between the two latticed fish fingers squares previously prepared. Do that. Eat it, put it on your CV and become CEO of something great.
Fish Finger Trifle
This is where it gets avant-garde.
You’re going to need a lot of cream, twice your own weight in fish fingers and a bigger boat. The Fish Finger Trifle is the Van Damme of desserts, reserved for the best guests. Before you even serve a portion of it, the diner should be made to complete a Saw-esque challenge to prove themselves worthy of consuming it.
In fact, I’m not even sure it should be shared. It’s too dangerous and there just aren’t enough cows. If you’re really serious about fish fingers and want to take a chance with this recipe, write a letter of no more than 200 words to this address and wait 48 years.